


Irritating Romantic Subplots Ruin Everything

by Evatrice



Category: The Order of the Stick
Genre: F/M, Gen, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-01
Updated: 2015-01-17
Packaged: 2018-01-14 05:20:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1254331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evatrice/pseuds/Evatrice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Takes place after 946. WIP. The Mechane is only one day into its journey to the final Gate when its pacing is dramatically slowed by an ill-timed romantic development. Much angst and shenanigans ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

The first thing Roy noticed as he awoke from deep slumber was the pain. This wasn’t the worst hangover he’d suffered by any means. Drinking regularly with a dwarf had assured Roy plenty of experience with them. He had built up quite a respectable tolerance for a human, however recent events had left Roy no opportunity to drink that much. Perhaps being resurrected had also reduced his alcohol tolerance? Roy wasn’t sure, and he wasn’t in the mood to think about that right now.

He couldn’t even remember what it was that drove him to drink so heavily last night. The Mechane had been travelling at good speed towards the Dwarven Lands and Roy had planned to spend the day trying to come up with strategies for the Order. If the Fiends decided to interfere, they would need all the tactics and moves he could think of. A lot of things had happened lately, most of which he hadn’t even come close to processing, but he didn't have time for that right now. He supposed that in a moment of weakness he must have caved in and decided to drink some of the alcohol liberally being distributed amongst the crew last night. By the time he had come on deck Elan had already stripped and Belkar was making moves on one of the crew with limited success. Durkon remained below deck, saying his new undead status made the drinks tasteless and, whilst preferable to the donkey piss we dared call beer, the whole exercise of drinking was rather pointless when it lacked both taste and drunken splendour. Beyond that was a blur.

The second thing Roy noticed was that he was not, in fact, alone. More specifically, someone was pressed up against him, soundly asleep going by the breathing pattern. Roy relaxed a little at the realization he was fully clothed, as was whoever was lying by his side. Difficult as this situation might be to handle, it was unlikely things had gotten too out of hand. Naturally he would soon have to establish exactly what had happened last night and apologize. Right now all he wanted to do was rest for a short while longer. Even the dark below deck would almost certainly strain his eyes. Eventually he’d have to make his way to the kitchen or supplies and fetch a drink to rehydrate, but that could wait. The warmth and feeling of an arm gently draped around his waist was rather comforting. It would be easy to lull back to sleep.

Roy’s companion shifted slightly, pressing their face further into his chest. It must have been rather early, with only a few of the crew up to man the airship. Roy couldn’t hear much movement above deck and the neighbouring rooms were silent. Some clanging came from further down the hall, most likely the kitchen. The pervasive hum of the Mechane droned on in the background, almost forgotten. Roy absent mindedly toyed with a few strands of long hair that slipped between his fingers as he moved his arm slightly upward to a more comfortable position. Roy liked long hair. Combined with their slight figure he supposed he could presume they were his ‘type’, in as much as he had one. The thick fabric that covered them – robes, perhaps? -seemed pretty bulky though, and was unlikely to be complimentary to their figure. A conservative dresser, not the type you would expect to end up in bed with a stranger, clothed or nude. But he wasn’t really in a position to judge.

They were pretty short too. Still medium-sized, but Roy reckoned they couldn’t be much above five feet.  Possibly non-human. Had Roy seen anyone in the crew that height?

With that the clogs all clicked into position.

Roy’s eyes snapped open, jolting out of his daze, hangover be damned. His sight confirmed what he had already suspected. In his arms rested none other than Vaarsuvius.

It took all Roy’s self-control to not immediately try to dive out of the bed. Of course he would still have to explain himself to V, but it wasn’t in either of their interests to do so whilst nursing hangovers.  No doubt V must have been similarly uncharacteristically intoxicated last night. Too sudden a movement would likely break them out of their trance and result in a rather lengthy and uncomfortable conversation.

Roy gently pushed V away from him whilst trying to pull his right arm out from under them with as much subtlety as he could muster. At least one good thing had come out of Belkar and V's ridiculous prank war; Belkar had decisively demonstrated that V could be quite easily moved without stirring from trance. Roy couldn’t help but notice how V actually looked quite content for once, a small smile gracing their lips. It was strange to see them at ease so shortly after hearing about the awful acts they had committed. It didn’t take long for the smile to fade and be replaced by a more typical neutral expression, brow slightly furrowed as if in concentration.

He’d managed to free himself and he shouldn't have wasted time staring at the elf and analysing their facial expressions while sleeping. This encounter had stirred enough questions within Roy, and there was more than enough to explain and apologise to V for without adding “I was watching you whilst you tranced” to the equation. What exactly happened last night? Had anyone else noticed? In some odd, subconscious way, did this mean he was actually attracted to a supremely arrogant elf with verbal diarrhoea, one that had committed acts more heinous than he was able to fathom, a _married_ one no less?

Roy did not like the fact that he suspected he already knew the answer to that last question. Not one bit.

He rolled a decent enough sneak check to clear it out of the room without V stirring. As he suspected, it was probably early morning. Most of the crew would either be busy above deck, in the kitchen, or asleep. Fortunately the washroom was in the opposite direction to the kitchen. Roy needed a cold shower after that. 

 


	2. Making Use of that Gourmet Chef Feat

“So, where were ya all night?”

Roy hadn’t noticed the dwarf sat on top of an unused bed, wide awake and staring at him with red eyes. After a long shower he had immediately dashed to the room he was meant to be sharing with Durkon and Belkar, looking for a fresh change of clothing. “Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you.”

“Don’t worry, I donnea need sleep anymore and Belkar refused to stay here alone with me. He left a few hours ago, no clue where he went mind.”

Great, typical Belkar, always adding to Roy’s seemingly endless list of problems. “I guess that means I’d better look for him. Make sure he’s not making a nuisance of himself or murdering any of the crew.”

If he was completely honest Roy appreciated the distraction. Normally he would have tried to seek out Durkon’s advice on the whole situation, but just looking at their cleric in his new vampiric form made him uncomfortable. The change in appearance was an unwelcome reminder of Roy’s failure to be there for his best friend in his moment of need.

After hastily throwing on the clothes he’d retrieved from his pack, Roy started to make his exit.

“Ye still ‘aven’t answered my question.”

Roy paused. He wasn’t sure what to say.

“I wasn’t able to sleep, I just ended up walking around the ship trying to clear my head. Wish I hadn’t ended up drinking so much, this headache is awful.” Roll bluff.

Durkon laughed. “Ye’d think after all those nights we were up drinking you’d handle yer beer a little better!”

Roy made a sound of agreement. Thank the Gods Durkon was terrible at sensing motives.

“Oh and before you go, just wanted to let y’know how much it all means to me. That you’re not treatin’ me differ’nt ‘cos of the whole vampire thing. Even offering to feed me! You’re the best friend a dwarf could ask for.”

“Thanks, Durkon.” Roy smiled. Alignment changed or not, Durkon was surely still his trusted friend. He didn’t want to believe otherwise.

With that he turned to face the door again and left to hunt down Belkar. The kitchen seemed as good a place as any to start. The sweet yeasty scent of baking wafted through from behind the closed door. Roy was surprised, there seemed to be plenty of bread already in storage. Curiosity peaked the fighter wandered in. Mr. Scruffy was curled up beside the oven, Bloodfeast resting atop its head in lizard form. Belkar was stood on a small stool stirring some sort of concoction in a large bowl.  He noticed him immediately, dropping the spoon and hopping down to greet Roy with disconcerting eagerness.

“Well look who’s up bright and early! Funny, I’d have thought you’d want to sleep in a while longer, what with all of last night’s _activitiy_ ” A wicked grin spread across Belkar’s face.

“I hear you’ve been up all night. What have you been doing?” He didn’t expect an honest answer but it was worth a shot.

“Oh, you know, the usual. Grooming Mr. Scruffy, feeding Bloodfeast the Extreme-inator, sharpening daggers, making sure Durkula doesn’t murder us all in our sleep. You get the idea. I’m sure it wasn’t _nearly_ as interesting as your night.” Suggestive eyebrow waggles accompanied the last statement. Roy tried his best to look none the wiser as he walked over to the cupboard to get a glass. After filling it with water he proceeded to take his time drinking it, noting the Halfling’s visible frustration.

“God dammit it Roy, all I want to know is if he or she or _whatever_ is a good fuck!”

Roy swallowed hard, only just managing to stop water from going down the wrong way. “I have no idea what you are talking about Belkar.”

Belkar persisted. “Half the Mechane knows you shtup’d Ears last night Roy, so don’t bother trying to lie to me.  Tell it to me straight. He’s submissive, right? I bet she’s into all sorts of weird kinky shit. I heard somewhere that elf ears are super sensitive, so if you-“

“Belkar, even if I _had_ slept with V last night, I wouldn’t be telling anyone all of this stuff, least of all you!” Roy shot his best glare, but he already knew how little an effect it had on the evil little creature that was slowly drawing closer. “It’s none of your business and keep your creepy fantasies to yourself dammit.”

“Hey, I’m just trying to congratulate you! I mean, I don’t get what you see in them, but I always figured you had a pointy ear fetish anyway, I can’t think of many other reasons you’d be dating that sylph… what was her name again? Syphilis? Celiac?”

“ _Celia_ ” hissed Roy.

Oh no.

Never mind Vaarsuvius or the rest of the Order or the Mechane crew. How was he going to explain this to her? How was he going to make it right? Yes, it hadn’t gone nearly as far as the damned Halfling was suggesting but it had probably gone far enough to be decidedly non-platonic. Why had this not been the very first thing to cross his mind when he realized he was snuggling up to someone that was clearly not his girlfriend!?

Roy paled and let himself slide to the floor. This was all too much.

“Roy? You ok?” Belkar was looking at him in a way that on normal people would probably indicate concern, but in this case probably meant he was calculating the value of Roy’s organs.

“I- I’m fine. Just.” Roy sighed. He was going to regret giving Belkar an inch, he knew it, and why he was going to talk to Belkar about this, of all people, he had no clue. Obviously it had finally happened, he had snapped. “Look, let’s get this straight. I don’t remember exactly what happened last night. But I’m pretty sure things didn’t go anywhere near as far as you’re insinuating. We hugged, maybe kissed, that’s all.” He waited for a response as his words hung in the air for a good five seconds.

Belkar blinked. “Huh. Wasn’t expecting you to cave that easily. I doubt you could even roll bluff that high so I’m going to assume you’re being honest and that you really are a boring goody two shoes even when drunk off your face. Figures.” With that he retreated back to his mixture, disappointment clear.

Roy didn’t move. It was as if he’d only just really been hit the gravity of the situation. Until now part of him was convinced that no one else knew, V wouldn’t remember and that he could indefinitely delay discussing it, when enough time had passed so that it could just be dismissed with a laugh.  If Belkar was to believed though, it could only be a matter of time before everyone on board was aware that there was something going on between him and Vaarsuvius. How could he bring himself to lie to Celia if everyone else knew?

He tried to justify not thinking of her until prompted. They hadn’t been in touch since they’d left the Azurites. She would be busy with her studies and he was busy saving the world. It was only natural that neither of them had found the time to get in contact. Organising communication between planes only served to complicate matters further. There had been the talisman but Celia hadn’t provided him with another. Clearly they weren’t seeing enough of each other. Perhaps Roy just really missed Celia and had reached out to the first person that somewhat resembled her physically that was at hand, or so he tried to convince himself. They’d both known that a long distance relationship would be difficult but he’d never even considered the possibility of developing attraction to someone in his party.

Suddenly he found a bowl filled with dough shoved in his face.

“Knead. If you’ve got to be a miserable bastard in here you should at least make yourself useful, dumbass.”


	3. The Downside of Plot Powered Transportation

Something was wrong. The Mechane had been travelling at a steady speed appropriate to the urgency of the plot the previous day, but this morning had seemingly slowed to a crawl. It had started sometime last evening, although most of the crew were too inebriated to have noticed. Bandana knew there was only one thing that could impact their journey so severely when the stakes were supposedly so high.

A subplot. One potent enough to derail everything.

Much as she would have liked to leave Elan to sleep off last night’s excesses, this emergency called for the aid of a bard. As player characters the Order would inevitably face a huge multitude of possible subplots, but this was a particularly ill-timed one, and Bandana had no clue as to what it could pertain. It had to be resolved as quickly and efficiently as possible. Fortunately the Mechane was equipped for all variants of montage, so once they established what was wrong they could get it over with quickly and back on track to saving the world.

And so it was that Bandana found herself covering her eyes as Haley swiftly tumbled off of Elan, grabbing the bed sheet and pulling it up for what little modesty remained in a single motion. The bard let out of a small shriek. Serving under one of the sexiest men alive desensitized you to these things. Julio and his partners weren’t particularly modest and made little effort to keep things down in the noise department. She had just presumed if Haley and Elan were sharing an intimate moment it would be audible.

“Wh-what is it, Bandana?” Elan grinned sheepishly, still slightly breathless.

“We’ve slowed down. I think some sort of subplot has reared its ugly head and is interfering with the main plot thrust.”

“What!?” Instantly the embarrassment was forgotten and replaced with a mixture of concern and confusion.

“I reckon it started last night, if that helps you figure out what it could be. Until it’s resolved it looks like we won’t be going anywhere fast.”

“Hmm, well, I guess that narrows it down” Elan stroked his chin.

“It’s probably a new one. I mean, I just dealt with Dad before we left and I’m pretty sure we won’t be seeing Tarquin again anytime soon. Could it be something to do with Durkon, given… ?”

“Probably not, I mean he turned before we left and wouldn’t it make more sense for him to develop a subplot after we get back to his homeland?”

“...Yeah, you’re right.” Haley paused. “Bandana, did anything happen last night?”

“A lot of stuff happens when we're partying, Haley. If I knew more than that I would have said already. Though a bunch of people were still up when I went below deck. Might be worth asking around.”

Elan clicked his fingers “Of course! A _romance_ subplot!” Noticing their confusion, he went on. “Well, we haven’t had one since we arrived on this continent and it’s not unusual for one to be dealt with just before the finale. It’s been a while since Roy’s seen Celia, right? Maybe we just need to get her to come on board and spend some time with him and it’ll all be fine!”

“That makes sense. It’s the first time in a while Roy’s had some time to think things over, maybe it only just came to mind. Thinking about it, I know V’s not really one for romance, but maybe we should get them to contact their mate too. I know I’d want to see you before dealing with the gate. Who knows what will happen.”

Bandana mused on this, then shrugged. “Eh, sounds plausible enough, I’ll leave you two to deal with it, just let me know if you need us to do anything. You know the drill, Elan.” With that she hastily made her exit.

“So, what’s the plan?” Elan turned to Haley as she jumped out of bed, combing her fingers through her loose hair.

“Tell the others, I guess. They might know if something big happened last night that we missed. Maybe Belkar fell off the ship whilst trying to show off to that poor girl he cornered last night.” The Halfling’s death was supposed to be approaching fast, after all.

“I dunno, I think Bandana would know about that by now…” Elan sniffed at last night’s shirt, decided it was fine and slipped it on.

“I’ll go and bring V up to date, you can check on the others. If nothing else we can find out if Roy’s pining after Celia.” Haley rolled her eyes. “The sooner we deal with this the better.”


	4. Sharing is Caring

“Rise and shine V!” Blackwing pecked at their master’s forehead, tired of waiting for Vaarsuvius to finally get out of bed and prepare their spells for the day. They received an irritable groan in response, with V shifting further under the blankets to shield themselves from further assault. “It’s dawn and at this rate you’ll miss breakfast.”

“In case you haven’t noticed I’m in no mood to deal with you right now.” Finally, a verbal, if muffled, response.

“I can’t constantly babysit you. It’s hardly my fault you decided to get sloshed last night. Some of us have baubles that need shining, you know. If you’re that hungover lying around isn’t going to help you anyway, so get up already.”

V was not accustomed to the drinks that had been served last night, most of which were considerably heavier than your typical elven wine. Clearly drinking with Sir Greenhilt had been a mistake, one they had no intention of repeating if this was the consequence. Vaarsuivus had joined him last night after he had already started to drink, and he eventually revealed just how worried he was about the situation with Master Thundershield and how unreliable V would be in upcoming battles. Something about Belkar as well, though V couldn’t quite recall what. Probably just his general nature. Either way it was clearly weighing heavily on their leader’s mind and given the burden V was proving to be it seemed only fair to try and be supportive. Why they themselves had chosen to drink so much though was a mystery.

In truth the hangover was not the only reason for V’s foul mood. They had tranced about Inkyrius and their children. Pleasant memories of simpler times, now forever tainted by their foolish actions and decisions.

Their train of thought was disrupted by a knock on the door.

“I am very busy right now, please come back la-“

“Come in, V isn’t doing anything important!”

V knew Blackwing had their best interest at heart but still had to resist the urge to fireball the raven into oblivion. Haley let herself in.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb you, but this is important. The Mechane has slowed down and we think something that happened last night might have caused it.” Haley paused. “I was going to ask you if you remembered anything in particular happening but by the looks of things you had a pretty rough night.”

V finally threw back the covers and started straightening up their robes “So it seems. I don’t suppose you have any theories on what might have occurred?”

“Yeah, actually.” She perched herself on the edge of the bed.  “Elan thinks it’s probably some sort of romantic subplot. Since we’re headed for what we think is the final battle with Xykon, it seems kinda appropriate. You know, having our loved ones see us off.”

“I think I know where this is going.” Blackwing turned to V expectantly. Even when confessing everything regarding familicide and the Fiends, V had neglected to bring up their recent divorce to Roy or any of the rest of the Order.

“I will prepare sending multiple times today then. However, I can assure you that this has nothing to do with me. Inkyrius and I have separated.”

“What? You got divorced? When did this happen!?” Haley couldn’t believe it. V had always spoken so fondly about their family. True, they were reluctant to discuss the matter at length, unlike practically every other subject sans gender, but V had never been one to talk about such personal matters much. When Haley had asked direct questions about their mate and children they typically answered them, but she hadn’t broached the subject. The fewer things she asked about V’s family the less they’d ask after her own. What little she did know was that Vaarsuvius truly cared about their mate and children.

“I was informed about Inkyrius’ decision to sue for divorce and child custody shortly after we arrived in Sansedge.” Although they had not purposefully avoided the subject, this had not been a conversation Vaarsuvius particularly wanted to have, especially now. Blackwing hopped onto their shoulder in show of support.

“But V, that was over two weeks ago! Why didn’t you say anything until now?”

V sighed. “We had more important things to do. I chose not to contest. Much as it pains me to admit, my family stands a better chance of finding happiness without me. Telling you would not only have been self-indulgent but also pointless.”

“And V’d have to have told you all about the dragon and their deal with the Fiends then too probably” quipped Blackwing unhelpfully. They had such an unfortunate habit of rubbing salt in open wounds.

“Had I realized that they would be able to remove my soul at any moment I would have recognized the urgency to make everyone aware of the situation. However, as it was I had no idea how to explain myself and did not feel there was any pressing need to. It was simpler to try to ignore the fact I was surely responsible for the death of hundreds of innocents until the results directly impacted us.  Informing you all certainly has not increased my chances of redemption, if there ever was any to begin with. Bringing up the divorce would have made keeping this all to myself considerably more difficult.”

Haley needed a moment to take it all on board. “I… I guess I understand. I mean, I kept all the business with the Thieves Guild and the stuff with my dad to myself in all the time we’ve known each other.” She shifted awkwardly. “I still wish you’d said something though. You’ve got it rough enough dealing with all the things you’ve done. Keeping too many secrets isn’t the best idea.”

“The situations are not comparable. I had Blackwing to confide in.”

The rogue made a noise of pure exasperation “Look, all I’m trying to say is – we’re friends, right? Friends talk to each other about stuff like this. So they can help each other out. And yeah, I realize the irony of this all coming from me.”

“If you’re implying that I’m not a good friend-“

“V, that’s not what Haley means.” Interjected Blackwing “She’s just concerned for you. And she’s right, you really should open up to other people more. If you’d done that earlier you might have saved your marriage.”

“… I suppose you are both correct. I apologize. I do not mean to seem ungrateful. You are both better friends than I deserve. I should start to make more of effort to express that.” Blackwing swooped over to perch on a nearby chair as  V moved over to their spell book and started to leaf through the pages. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I must prepare today’s spells.”

“Well, come through for breakfast when you’re done so we can work out exactly what we’re going to do.” Haley smiled. She could tell she was going to get along well with Blackwing, it was good to know someone else was keeping V in check. “See you later.”


	5. Orange Juice

“Hello?” Elan peaked his head around the door. Somehow the room seemed even darker than the corridor or his own. “Are you guys up yet?”

“Aye. I’m the only one ‘ere, actually. Ya just missed Roy, he went off to look fer Belkar a few minutes ago. Went to check the kitchen first I reckon.”

“Oh.” Elan entered the room “Well, just wanted to let everyone know that we’re in a bit of a pickle. I think something happened last night and now we have a romantic subplot going on. The ships slowed down, so I reckoned if we could send a message to Celia, you know, since it’s been a while since Roy’s seen her…”

“I see what you’re getting at lad. I did prepare sendin' last evenin’, but I don’t think I should be the one to contact her. You’d better ask Vaarsuvius.”

“Why not?” Elan quizzed. Durkon gave him a meaningful look whilst gesturing at his fangs. “Ooooooh.”

“I doubt Celia’d take a vampire contacting her well. She’d probably think it was a trap of some sort. Best let someone else explain the situation to ‘er first.”

Elan nodded in agreement. “Then do you want to go find Roy with me? Breakfast is soon.”

“… No. No, I’m fine just in here, thanks. But speaking of breakfast…” Elan could have sworn the dwarf hadn’t looked so hungry when he’d arrived, “you up fer giving a donation?”

For a split second Elan wanted to say no. Letting an undead sap away at you was not an ideal way to start your day.  Having anyone sink their teeth into you hard enough to draw blood would probably hurt too. He was more than happy to volunteer since it meant that other people wouldn’t have to worry about Durkon, but for that brief moment Elan wondered if he really, really wanted to go through with it. Then that moment passed and Elan smiled, offering his wrist “Sure thing!”

 

* * *

 

 

“I mean, in hindsight, it’s kinda obvious. That you have the hots for V. Like, letting him have his own room? Blatant favouritism!”

“ _Belkar._ ” Somehow the conversation kept swinging back to the previous night. Roy had made it very clear he would not tolerate it in front of anyone else, so he was just about willing to indulge the Halfling’s mocking for now, if it meant less quips at breakfast.

“What? I was just saying what I think. Getting it out of my system, so I don’t end up spilling it all out in front of everyone at breakfast. That’s the last thing we’d want, right?” Roy had preferred it when Belkar had been complaining about how he’d managed to overwork the dough and therefore ruined everything. “Don’t worry, I would be embarrassed too if I wasn’t able to get it u-“

“I’m here for orange juice!” Elan briskly entered the room, beaming after a job well done, heading straight for the fridge.  Roy hoped he’d not heard any of the stuff that Belkar had been saying. At least he was quiet now. “Oh, hey Roy! I was just about to go looking for you!”

Much as he was grateful for the disruption of Belkar’s crude comments, Roy didn’t feel like dealing with Elan this early in the morning. “What do you want?”

“You miss Celia, right? We’re planning to get V to cast sending and ask her to come over so you can spend some quality time together!”

Roy stared at Elan blankly. He didn’t know how to respond. Then he heard Belkar tittering, and that was enough to snap him back in. “That’s great! But- why?” Without skipping a beat he shot a glare at Belkar. That seemed to shut him up, at least for now.

“Bandana says the Mechane isn’t going as fast as she should be, so its probably something to do with subplots. I guessed you wanted to see Celia again, Haley said V’s already agreed to prepare sending so we should have this all out of the way in the next couple of days, no need to worry!”

“Alright. Good job, Elan.” As if things weren’t difficult enough already. Roy couldn’t be angry with Elan, he didn’t know any better. Perhaps it would be easier to just go along with Elan’s plan for now. Seeing Celia again might clear up some of these confusing feelings. It might be the best course of action after all, particularly if this was going to delay their arrival at the gate.

“Yeah Elan, _great_ plan.” Gods Roy hated Belkar right now.


	6. Zone of Awkward Silence

“So we’re agreed. The message will be ‘Celia, we require immediate assistance, please find us at coordinates 103, 65, 87, our transport is driven by plot, seeing Roy off may expedite arrival’.”

Roy nodded, eager to get this over with. He’d had enough of arguing with Vaarsuvius over the specifics of the sending’s words. This was a rare occasion where demand for Elan actually outstripped the amount of time Elan had available, and so Roy had had to make do with just the elf’s assistance in coming up with the message. As if things weren’t awkward enough.

“Yes, yes, that will do. Just get it over with.”

Breakfast had been difficult enough. By now it was pretty clear that V didn’t remember last night, but this whole morning Roy had been on edge, reading into every last word and action for hints that they might remember something. He couldn’t honestly say whether he found this reassuring or not. He would be lying if he didn’t admit he was a little curious about what exactly had caused all this to happen, and V had been his main hope for a simple direct answer. However, no amount of innuendo laced antagonising from Belkar suggested V was anything other than oblivious about the previous night.

It was agreed that Elan would probably be most useful explaining matters to the remaining crew and working out what resources they had for staging appropriate montages. The importance of this went over Roy’s head, but the Mechane crew insisted it was crucial for speedy development. Tarquin would probably be proud if he saw the way Elan was taking charge here, a fact which Roy would definitely be keeping to himself. Haley would be helping Elan – after all, she knew Celia best, having spent the most time with her. Durkon was still out of sorts, although he seemed to be trying to hide it. He probably needed a good rest, he hadn’t been to his home lands in so long... This was definitely going to be emotionally intense for him. Besides, Roy wanted to spare him getting involved in the whole mess. And Belkar was… well, Belkar.

The crewmembers’ response to Roy and V getting up to leave together was rather telling of how far and fast word had spread of their supposed affair. One was audacious enough to wolf whistle, which caught V’s attention and made Roy’s heart stop. Fortunately V just grimaced with confusion and dismissed it, thoughts apparently turning to the more important matter of the sending. He’d had to stifle a sigh of relief.

Roy had hoped to make it short, so of course they had ended up arguing about the exact contents of the message. Vaarsuvius was never one for word efficiency, but that didn’t stop them from knit picking at Roy’s suggestions. It had taken them half an hour to come up with this latest rendition and Roy did not want to leave the wrong impression on the crew by remaining unseen with V for too long. Why couldn't they have just done this above deck? Something about getting in the way of  backdrop change rehearsals…

“Sir Greenhilt? It’s done.”

“Oh, well, in that case-“

“Don’t you want to wait for the reply?”

Honestly, no. Roy did not. He wanted to get out and make his presence known, correct as many people as possible before Celia arrived and maybe find a way of breaking things to V before they found out some other way. “Um, yeah. Sure. I guess.” He was planted back on his seat before he was even upright.

V took a seat on the other side of the room. Silence fell, with neither party interested in starting conversation. Roy wondered what they had discussed last night. Roy had never really put much effort into getting to know the personal lives of the Order, wanting to leave them to their own business. Of course, with more recent events it was apparent that being unaware of personal details didn’t stop them from interfering with their quest. Aside from the fact that they were married with children, Roy knew next to nothing about Vaarsuvius, something he hadn’t really thought about before. Not until they told him about Familicide and the events leading up to it. Perhaps he’d made some sort misguided attempt to rectify that last night, to better understand them.

It was a topic probably best left unvisited in the near future. Roy decided to try a different topic to break the silence thickly seeping into the room. “She’s taking her time.”

“We don’t know what she was doing at the time of the sending. It is entirely possible she was unable to interrupt whatever undertaking was preoccupying her to give an immediate response.”

“That’s true. I hadn’t really thought about that, I hope she’s not in class. Or in court!” Roy hadn’t even considered. “V, what if we’ve interrupted her in the middle of a hearing!?”

“Unlikely, any reasonable court would prevent sendings from interrupting proceedings, and there was no interference as far as I was aware.”

Roy slumped further into his chair, guilt eased. Time seemed to slow to a crawl, much like the nights were he stayed awake on watch all alone after he’d finished inspecting his armour for dinks and dents and sharpening his sword. Given the comparatively small amount of rest V required as an elf you would have thought that they'd have spent more time alone together than they had. Roy was getting restless, tugging absent-mindedly at his sleeves.

“If you have some business to attend to, I can just relay the response.”

“No, no, I don’t…” Perhaps he should have just taken the opportunity and left, but it felt unfair to make V play messenger. “It’s just, well, it’s taking longer than I thought. That’s all.”

“We’ve been waiting for five minutes.” Five minutes? Surely it wasn’t just five minutes. Was his sense of time really that bad? “Something is clearly on your mind. You’ve been evasive and pensive all morning. You’re clearly uncomfortable. I realize with my recent confession it may be difficult to work with me on such a personal matter, but unfortunately it is necessary. If it were up to me I would not be involved at all.”

So his behaviour was noticeable enough for V to pick up on after all, even if their assumptions about the cause were off the mark. “It’s not that. I just want to get this over with as quickly as possible. Xykon won’t wait for us.”

“Well your impatience will not speed this up. I suggest you find something to occupy yourself with.”

“Why? … Am I making you uncomfortable?” Maybe they did remember, partially, something that Roy didn’t, and it was bothering them too. Maybe he was projecting.

“To be perfectly honest, I dislike being involved in romantic plots at the best of times. You aren’t the only one eager to get this out of the way as quickly as possible. But your attitude right now is completely inappropriate – aren’t you looking forward to Celia? Or is working with me such an ordeal now that it’s slipped your mind?”

“Would you drop that already? This has nothing to do with you!” It had everything to do with V. “Of course I want to see Celia!” His feelings were a mixture of anticipation and dread. “Besides, don’t you have some romantic left overs of your own to potentially to deal with? Why are we all assuming it’s me and Celia – what about you and your partner?”

V clearly hadn’t expected the discussion to take that turn, looking slightly faint. It was probably a good thing they were already sat down. “That – well, I talked to Haley about it. I was going to talk to you all about it later but it’s not really important.” With that V had managed to completely regain their composure and recited a clearly rehearsed response. “Inkyrius has filed for divorce and custody of our children. I was notified in Sansedge, and chose to ignore the summons. I do not regret my decision.”

“Oh.” At least he could cross ‘married’ off the list of reasons why last night had been a terrible decision for him. “Why not bring this up sooner? Why didn’t you tell me when you confessed all that other stuff? You’re not keeping anything else to yourself, right?”

V was on the defensive. “I didn’t think it was relevant, why should it be? It was a personal matter. Would you have cared if this wasn’t happening now? You’ve never shown much interest in such things before; I saw no reason to bring it up.”

“Well you knew it was relevant now. You still didn’t bring it up. And ‘not really important’? How can you say that about the end of a relationship that lasted – how many decades? With children? But I guess given how often you brought them up you can’t have cared that much in the first place – research first, right?” Roy regretted it the moment he closed his mouth. That was going too far. It was a sore spot for Roy, wizards and families.

He’d clearly hit a very sore spot, V was visibly fuming. “I-“

A flustered translucent Celia, wrapped up in a towel, appeared. “Sorry, I was in the shower, I’ll be there tomorrow morning, just need to get some things in order before I leave. See you soon, bye!”

V glared at Roy. “Well, that’s over with. So now that I’m no longer necessary, I shall be returning to my _research_.”

He’d fucked up. He’d fucked up big time.


	7. Planning runs in the family

“So Roy, I was thinking, after you’ve done the 58th lap of your romantic walk around the Mechane (combined with star gazing...), Andi and I will jump out from behind this bush-“ Elan jabbed at a haphazardly drawn bush on the filthy chalkboard, which had been scribbled on and erased 57 times now already, “- and throw a bag over your head!”

“Hm?” This all seemed excessively complicated to Roy, but he had decided to leave it to the experts. Until now he’d mimicked attentive listening for Elan’s benefit whilst his mind was elsewhere, trying to work out what on earth he should do. “Is that really necessary?”

“Well, I guess we could throw the bag over Celia’s head, but one of you has to be the damsel so we can have a dramatic rescue! All good stories need a climax, after all.”

“Rescue? From what?”

“Well… obviously it's short notice and the speeds we’re travelling haven’t allowed for any ‘real’ threats to present themselves, but it’s probably best that way. Andi's volunteered to dress up as a thug or bandit or sky pirate-“

“They _are_ sky pirates, Elan.”

“Look, we're going to pretend to kidnap one of you and let the other do the rescuing before the romantic dinner. It doesn’t really matter which of you does what since you’ve both rescued each other before.”

This only made Roy feel ungrateful in addition to unfaithful. And until now he had mostly been grumbling about infuriating Vaarsuvius. All the Order had ever done for Celia was break an enchantment (Roy tried to ignore the fact that it had primarily been V’s doing). Ceilia had locked up the Linear Guild, saved them from injustice at the hands of the Azure City court AND assisted Haley in resurrecting him.  Roy almost wished she’d get captured by a genuine threat so he could launch some sort of rescue effort, if only to make himself feel less indebted. “I guess you’re right.”

“… Are you okay Roy? You’ve been down all day. Aren’t you looking forward to seeing Celia?”

There was that question again.

Felix and Haley appeared to be carrying some sort of large screen. Roy started to wonder just how much of the Mechane’s cargo hold was taken up by props.  After setting it upright they joined the conversation. Everyone was noting Roy’s disengagement today.  
  
“He’s probably just nervous. First dates can do that to you.”  Felix explained.

The Order members gave him a confused look.  
  
“This isn’t their first date though. You two have always had a good time before, right? Celia seemed to think so, she talked about it often enough whilst we were trying to get you resurrected.” Hailey seemed more confused than accusatory.

“… Yeah.” That was about all the response Roy could muster right now. First date? Roy prayed to all the good gods that Felix wasn’t thinking what Roy thought he was.

“Oh. My mistake then. Sorry, it’s just the way you two were acting this morning I thought you’d only just hooked up. Looked like you’d only just got together last night.”

“… I’m pretty sure I’d know if Celia had joined us last night. What does Felix mean, Roy?” Roy would be surprised if Haley wasn’t already putting two and two together and just hoped that that didn’t spell disaster.

“Celia? Who’s that? I thought-“

“Felix, why don’t you and Haley keep sorting out the screens and stuff, don’t want to fall behind schedule or anything, right? Elan and I’ll go over there, where it’s nice and quiet and we can continue our discussion, so if you need us, you know where we are, okay? Bye.” With that Roy turned his back on them and dragged a confused Elan away by the arm. Maybe that would be enough for Felix to get the idea.

“Roy? What’s wrong?” Elan was starting to look genuinely concerned. “Did something happen last night? Last I remember I decided to impress the crew with my invisibility trick. Haley said I’d had enough after that and we went to bed, I think. I remember you coming on deck towards the end but nothing else.”

“Elan it’s…” Why was explaining this to Elan so much more complicated than explaining it to Belkar? Roy supposed it’s because Elan actually respected him. He felt like he was letting him down. “Nothing important happened.” Or so he kept trying to tell himself. “But Celia… it’s complicated. I’ve had relationships before, but I’d never even considered taking them seriously until, well, this. Even Celia, I mean she’s great, but I don't want to be able to make the same excuse as my dad.  
  
"He’d always go on about how he’d have beaten Xykon by now if he hadn’t fallen for mom and decided to start a family with her instead. Said it was more important to stay alive for us. Of course that didn’t stop him from adventuring and conducting dangerous research, but he repeated it often enough that I think part of him honestly believed it. And I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to even think about settling with someone before I knew I’d dealt with this damn blood vow. I guess now that I know it doesn’t impact anything other than his chance to get into the afterlife… but then again, if I don’t keep at this, there might not be a world left to settle in!”

“… Do you love Celia, Roy?”

“Pardon?”

“I asked if you loved her, Roy.”

Roy paused. “… She’s smart. She’s got a good personality, great looks, we have a lot of chemistry, well, at least in some aspects.” Mostly between the sheets. “But I just don’t think there’s been enough time for me to even think if we’ve got a chance to be more than that.”

“Well, think of this as some time to figure that out between you then. Maybe that’s the subplot – the discovery of your true feelings for each other! It’s a shame we don’t have more time to deal with this, but we’re all trying our best to make this special for you two. Hopefully it’ll be enough.”

Roy smiled at Elan. He could tell how hard the bard was trying. The least he could do was show some gratitude.

“But Roy, are you sure nothing happened last night?”

Last night was a simple accident. Last night was forgettable – even if he’d been able to remember it in the first place. The next few days with Celia? They were vital for the quick arrival in the Dwarven Lands. This whole business with V would just have to be ridden out and forgotten, or dealt with later.  
  
“Yes Elan. Don’t worry about it. I think there’s been some misunderstandings, but that’s not what matters. You’re right. The next few days are about Celia, and Celia alone. Anything else is a secondary concern.”

 


	8. Sleuth Starshine

“So what was all this about ‘last night’ Felix?” Roy couldn’t have gotten away from her fast enough, but Haley knew when something was up. She had her suspicions but acting on them without further evidence wouldn’t benefit anyone. Fortunately Felix didn’t seem to have qualms gossiping.

“Well… you know. I guess you’d gone off by then, but do you remember seeing them together? I mean, it could just have been platonic I guess, but it looked like they were having a real heart to heart, and then, well, they left together... those below deck said that they went into the elf’s room together and-“

“The elf? You don’t mean - Vaarsuvius? You don’t have any elf crew members, right?”

“No, not right now. The only elf on board is your wizard.”

“No no no this can’t be right. No way V or Roy would just – this is a mistake. You were all drunk, last night, probably missed Roy heading back to his room.”

“Well, ask around, I mean there are a number of different stories. Some say they got rather more intimate before they headed off, others remember it the way I do. I like to think I hold my liquor better than most of the crew but I wasn’t exactly focused on them at the time. All I know is that no one remembers seeing either of them for at least a few hours after they were seen going off together.” Felix shrugged. “It’s your party though. You’re in a better position to judge.”

Haley groaned. “Any ideas where to start? Surely someone had to be sober last night?”

Felix mused for a bit, then realisation spread across their face. “Your halfling! He actually started to sober up again by the time those two started to talk, and I think I remember him keeping a close eye on them. He can probably set you straight on what happened.” The happiness of having been able to remember that much was soon washed away by the grimace Haley’s face twisted into.

“…. Are you sure that there isn’t anyone else that I could ask?”

Felix thought for a bit. “No. Sorry, it’s all a bit blurry. I only really remember the Halfling because he was distracted enough to stop ranting on and on about your cleric.”

Haley admitted defeat. It had been Belkar’s remarks at the breakfast table, along with Roy’s odd behaviour, that had tipped her off to something being amiss in the first place. Belkar had always had an unhealthy interest in V, but this morning’s batch of innuendo had been aimed as much at Roy as V. Until this however she’d assumed he may have picked up on a rumour, rather than being the primary witness. “Felix, can you handle the rest of this yourself?”

Receiving a curt nod in response, Haley begrudgingly headed towards where she had last seen Belkar.

Finding the blighter turned out to practically be a quest in and of itself. After half an hour of searching it seemed he’d moved on from trying to work out how to break into the spice cabinet, having given up on pestering her about it.  She found him stalking Durkon. Haley had assumed that he would be avoiding the cleric, but it seemed that he was determined to find proof that Durkon was evil. And not just the ‘I’ll go along with you guys if it means I get to kill things’ kind.

Belkar’s attempt at stealth was painful to behold. Even without the additional perk of vampiric perception, Durkon would have easily passed the necessary spot check. He didn’t seem to mind, having come to accept that at least one member of the Order wasn’t going to come to terms with this change. Haley had to admit that she wasn’t exactly thrilled about one of their number being undead, but having Durkon as an active party member was preferable to lugging his corpse around until they found a cleric with the ability to raise him. She’d had enough of that the first time round.

“You realise he knows you’re here, ri-“

Belkar shushed at her aggressively, as if her speaking could draw any more attention to him. “Soon enough it’ll let its guard down and fuck up. I wanna be there to see it.”

“Well you’re hardly the most credible witness, and down here there’s no one else to back you up. We both know you’re going to just spout of a bunch of lies again anyway. Who knows, maybe your bluff roll will be high enough to convince Elan before I set him straight. But that’s not why I’m here.”

“If you’re not here to bitch at me about what I do in my own damn time, what do you want?”

Haley glanced over to Durkon. It looked like he was thoroughly engrossed in some reading, but having him listen in could lead to difficulties. If Haley verified what she suspected – and dreaded – she didn’t know what her next step would be, but having the cleric know about it immediately would just complicate things.

“Sorry Durkon, didn’t mean to disturb you. Just wanted to stop Belkar from pestering you.” With a swift motion she grabbed hold of the Halfling’s ear and yanked him towards the exit. “Enjoy your reading!”

Belkar barely knew what hit him by the time he was out of the door, but after managing to wriggle free didn’t seem to bother heading back in – Haley would just drag him back out again. “This better be good. What could Haley Starshine possibly want to discuss in private with me?”

Haley rolled her eyes. “You know something about what happened last night.”

Belkar quickly swapped out his look of surprise for one of feigned ignorance. “Last night? Lots of things happened last night. How am I supposed to know what you’re on about if you’re going to be all cryptic about it?”

Another quick check for anyone listening in. “You’ve probably already heard the gossip, so I’m just going to spell it out. What did Roy and V do to start all these rumours?”

“Roy and V? I don’t know what you’re on about. I guess I was too drunk to remember anything. Why are you asking me anyway? Just now you were going on about how untrustworthy I am.”

He was trying to distract her, move on to another topic. “I hate to admit it, but it looks like you might be the only one who was sober and watchful enough to know what went on. Belkar, this is important. If they got involved then inviting Celia is probably just going to delay everything further and we’re working to a deadline here!”

“Then why don’t you ask V or Roy?” He grinned.

“I know V well enough to tell if they were lying that blatantly. They obviously don’t remember what happened. Roy I suspect does, at least a little – that’s what’s got me worried honestly. He’s not telling anyone but he’s behaving oddly and this could all get horribly out of hand if we don’t sort this out.”

“Well, isn’t this great. When I say true things that you don’t want to hear, no one listens. When I say I don’t know something, you insist I must and I’m the only one who can tell you the truth. Tough luck, I’m not saying a word.”

Haley should have known this was a bad idea. Belkar only cooperated when it was in his own self-interest, even if the world was at stake apparently. If he did know the truth it would no doubt be filtered to suit him. Meaning it would probably be the most lewd version of events possible. She started to head back to deck.

“It’s a real shame Belkar. I was considering offering to pick some locks for you, maybe even the spice cabinet, provided you gave good information…”

She reached the third step by the time he spoke up. “Look, there’s nothing to tell. It’s hardly worth the effort keeping it from you. The rumours are way juicier than the truth, so it’s useless as blackmail material. I’d hoped to freak out Ears with it but you’ve got a point, they’d probably just say I was a liar and not listen to me.”

Haley stopped. “You’ve not actually told me anything yet.”

“Like I said, nothing to tell really. They looked comfortable enough with one another, I couldn’t make out what they were saying.  Wish I could remember, it had a real confessional vibe, you know, the sort where people say all sorts of crap they’d never mention sober. It’s all a bit hazy for me too, you know. Roy didn’t even remember anything when I aske-“

“You asked Roy?!”

“Hey, I was curious. At least I didn’t go behind his back to find out the details! He said something about kisses and hugs but nothing else happening between them, and the saddest part of all is the fact that I actually believe him. Well, that he thinks that’s all that happened. I’d hoped that V would remember more, just so I could watch him squirm, but you’re right, he probably remembers fuck all.  She must have been pretty plastered last night.”

“Got anything else to say?”

“That’s all. So, when are you going to help me open those cabinets?”

“I said I was considering it. Bandana is my friend, why would I mess with her stuff? Have you considered just asking if you can use some of their stuff?”

“I – do you seriously expect me to just go up to someone and ask them if I can have something without stabbing them first? I’ve got a reputation to uphold!”

“And you’re certainly managing to be as awkward and difficult to work with as ever. I guess some thanks is in order though, you’ve actually helped clarify a few things. Maybe I can ask on your behalf or something. Save you some face.”

“Yeah, sure, whatever.” Belkar, doing his best to look entirely disinterested, wandered off, probably in search of Mr Scruffy.

Haley didn’t know what to do next. She supposed she could try to confront Roy with the information, but he seemed adamant on keeping it to himself. It was probably best to play along with that, at least until Celia left. It didn’t feel right though, leaving Vaarsuvius completely unaware of all the melodrama revolving around them. Then again, perhaps it was a kindness of sorts given all the relationship troubles they had already been having of late. Haley hoped that was the main reason why Roy hadn’t brought it up to them by now. The more she thought about it, the more Haley concluded leaving V out of the matter for now was better for everyone, them included. If they showed any signs of being aware or confusion she could always tell them. It was hypocritical, given the speech she’d given earlier, but for the best.

For now she could do her best to conduct damage control – quash rumours, clarify things with the crew, make sure it was all hushed up by the time Celia arrived. Then, hopefully Roy’s intentions would be clearer and things would either be resolved then or shortly afterwards, with no major impact on their estimated time of arrival.


End file.
